Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
