and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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