Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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