I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize