listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
