The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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