You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize