I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
