Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
