he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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