Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
