this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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