I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
