Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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