I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize