she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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