we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
