I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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