Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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