Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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