Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Boobs are out for the taking
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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