Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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