I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
