White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
