My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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