Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
