I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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