I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
