He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
