paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
