Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
