Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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