Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
