i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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