I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You made out with two different species that night
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
