he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
