I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
im holly from the hills drunk
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
