i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
