judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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