On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
