so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
