In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
