Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
