I'm going to jail i love you
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
