I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I am midnight drunk by noon
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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