I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
