After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
