Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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