so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
