We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
