I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
