I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
All the doctor said was why
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
