Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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