He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
