When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
