I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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