Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
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