I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Randomize
