my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
